They say, ‘what you don’t know won’t hurt you’. Ah! But if I had known in 1987 what I know now I might have saved myself a lot of grief and heartache. But then, maybe not. Maybe things would have turned out worse. How many times have I thought to myself, “If I had only known!” Hindsight is a wonderful thing. With it I have 20/20 vision. I know why I did what I did, how I did it and what I did it all for. But, if we knew the future how interesting would life be? Not too exciting if you ask me. Actually, I am extremely grateful I did not know what was coming. Questions, questions, questions. Why? How? Where? Who? What? If we could only know how to feel safe, how to feel happy, how to feel peaceful when all around us is turmoil? Planet earth is in turmoil and so are all the people. Everywhere I look there is suffering and hardship. So many people with so many problems and it just keeps escalating. Will it ever end? What can I do? I have no power to change things, no title, no letters after my name, no position of importance, no claim to fame – or do I? What is it I now know I did not know twenty years ago, thirty years ago, forty years ago, fifty, sixty – yes! I am that old. Age should count for something shouldn’t it? Here I sit asking myself what I have accomplished in all these years. Why am I here? I am about to find out by reliving my life in retrospect. My life here on earth should count for something. I want to think that what I have learned might be valuable to someone, somewhere, someday. If nothing else, at least I will be able to say I gave it my best shot.
On the surface it may appear to others that I live a quiet life. Ah! But who knows what is going on in my life other than me? The words of a song come to my mind - “that’s the way I like it, Aha! Aha!” Guess this has all changed now so I’d better get used to it. I feel as though I’ve lifted off the planet and am now back trying to be ‘normal’ and yet knowing there is more, much more, to earthly living than what appears to be. It is a frustrating feeling not being able to describe such an experience to those who do not know the feeling. This is the place I now find myself in. Trying to describe something that is not understandable and cannot be grasped by the intellect alone. To go where angels fear to tread requires a mind trained to ‘think outside the box’ as they say. It is a risky business, this thing called spirit. Only the strong survive the enormous amount of effort it requires to be in two places at once, both the physical world and the spiritual realm. But humans do this all the time! Who on this planet does not have to deal with doing several jobs at the same time? One minute we are wearing one hat and the next, another. It is the way it is here on planet earth. So, it should be easy to switch hats anytime, anywhere. But? What if it is a hat that doesn’t fit and makes us feel uncomfortable? Chances are, we will not wear it and if we have a choice, why should we? There it is. The problem that arose for me when I accessed a mode of spiritual learning that did not fit into a neat and tidy mental picture of what I wanted or did not want. The need to change, to choose to see things differently, is a big obstacle when it comes to willingly stepping onto the spiritual path. I had no such problem. I did not choose. The choice was made for me. I was ready to do anything to find a way to release my daughter Caprice from her pain. My practical, logical, rational mind became a valuable tool as long as I stayed focused on Caprice’s needs and only on this. I kept trying to make her as comfortable as I could but answers eluded me as to why she was suffering so. It was unbearable for me, to have to stand by and be able to do nothing. I was her mother! I was supposed to be able to help her and take away her pain. That’s what mothers do. This was the beginning of our spiritual journey together where she and I together became ‘accidental tourists in a foreign land’ and we did not know how to speak the language. It has been quite a trip and is now and ever shall be, a journey that is ongoing.
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