Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Caprice was still too weak to transfer herself and still in pain, which was discouraging for us, but we were working at it. The day for me to go to my first class came…….and went! I totally forgot about it! I didn’t realize this until that night, but then I thought, ‘maybe I should just cancel’ and I decided to call her the next day to do just that. She beat me to it. The phone rang the next morning and it was Shera offering to discount the night I had missed. I felt so bad I accepted her offer and the rest, as they say, is history.
It is as though some kind of spontaneous combustion happened and life as I knew it did an about face…..and in comes the memories,
I was eighteen and had just completed first year of University taking a Bachelor of Home Economics and Science course. My classes for the year were math, English, chemistry, physics and art. My goal was to be a designer not a scientist! I did not relish the idea of three more years of this so? I quit and decided to take a secretarial course. Six months into this and due to graduate, I answered an ad for a secretary in the paper and was hired, so? I quit and took the job. There are many more times when I did this and I see today that this is my true nature. When caution was thrown to the wind and I just went with my gut. I see now that it’s when I did not trust in this natural instinct, that I got into trouble.
Now, with this course, it happened again. It was akin to jumping into a rushing river. Hah! Isn’t this the definition of spirituality? What the self-help gurus preach? “Go with the flow” - “be in the moment” – “trust in the inner self”. Imagine that! I’ve been ‘there’ all along and didn’t know it! Key words here, I did not know, I did not understand, that when this happens, soul has found a little crack in the armor of the belief systems that have been built, thought by thought from childhood on until they are so solid nothing can get through that tells us something different. Maybe I lucked out because I spent every summer during my childhood years pretty much in solitude at a cabin on a lake with only:
the birds and the bees and
the flowers and the trees and
a thing called love to keep me company.
Hours idled away, day after day, swimming, going fishing at 5am with my daddy on a mirror-like lake, picking blueberries, checking out bugs and frogs and snakes and just genuinely having a good time. Not a care in the world. It never dawned on me that I should be lonely.
Back to the task on hand, which was getting into my car at 5pm every Tuesday, driving the two hours there, attending the course and driving back home, getting me in about midnight. However, while I asked myself every time, ‘why are you doing this?’ I really enjoyed meeting Shera and soon we had become friends. We hit it off instantly. It was as though I had found a long-lost sister. Thanks to her course I began to feel more comfortable with attempting meditation. Every day while Caprice was at school I turned off the phone, put on soothing music and went through the process exactly as described in the book I had ordered, which I had received and read from cover to cover. After all, I was certainly not going to do anything without doing my research. I soon discovered I could have researched until hell froze over and I still wouldn’t have been prepared for what happens when destiny meets opportunity.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I have received many of the same comments from those of you who are reading these words of mine. They remind me of why it has taken me so long to get at this. And what are these comments? “You are very brave to so honestly speak about your innermost secrets.” This is true. I am brave and I am willingly exposing my life to the scrutiny of others. Who wants to admit their failings, all the stupid things we’ve done, the mistakes we’ve made, the people we’ve hurt, the dreams left unfulfilled? I certainly did not want to do this and I have fought what became a constant, unceasing push from deep within my being to do this very thing for many years. What fear held me back? To be honest, I don’t know. What if we all stopped carrying a secret self around that we do not allow others to see? Why does the thought of doing this frighten us? What if there was nothing hidden that could not be seen? Seems to me there would be no reason to have to pretend to be something we are not. What a different world this would be don’t you think? There is something strangely liberating about being open and honest about what I think and what I do and why I do it. I am feeling lighter and lighter with every post. Soon, I will be able to fly!!
Journal entry from the month of February 2008:
“no more pencils
no more books
no more teachers dirty looks”
I feel like I have just got out of school! The school of hard knocks that is. What a strange feeling this is for me. I feel free for the first time in 22 years. But now what do I do? No longer compelled to rise in the middle of the night and write down as quickly as I could the jumble of words racing around in my head because I knew if I did not do it in the moment they would be gone. No more questions whirling around, no more books calling out to me driving me to read, read, read, - write, write, write. An almost eerie silence has come over me and I feel strangely alone left with only my own thoughts to guide me. My “teachers” seem to have vacated the premises. Appears as though I have somehow managed to graduate from this mystery school I have been enrolled in for so long. What have I learned I wonder? The only way to find out is to now read my own journal writings so I can see where I have been in order to know where I am. Stacks of journals sit in front of me and as I look at them I am amazed at how dedicated I was to getting it all down. Why did I do this? For what purpose? This shift back to the past began in 2005 when I found myself looking for answers in my journals instead of one of the many books gathered over the years that now sit on my bookshelves. I would be reading a new book and there on the pages were words that triggered a memory of a time when I had written the same words in my journals. How can this be? I would ask myself, but when I checked lo’ and behold, I would find this to be true. I began to pay attention when this happened and I found there was a pattern of some sorts, a connection, between whatever I was reading about in the present to a certain date in my past. The more I followed this the more interesting it all became.
Something else changed as well. My obsession with bookstores began to abate, mainly because every time I looked I could find nothing that appealed to me. Previously whenever I needed a particular piece of information the right book would practically fall off the shelf into my hands. A great shopping day for me was finding a new book to read. I could not go by a bookstore, especially used ones, without checking it out. A new book to read was so exciting. I felt almost sad when I would bring home a book only to discover there was nothing new in it for me. Longing to read, I began to scan my own bookshelf and on any given day grab one and re-read words I had read before. Again! Something new hit me. Same words, same books, but now I had picked up more information from so many years of studying and I could see a new meaning to the same old story. Books have been my greatest teachers. There is nothing that cannot be found, no question that cannot be answered. It has all been written time and time again by author after author in book after book. Whatever I was searching for, if I looked hard enough, I found it – in books! Looks as though the book I now need is my own! Somewhere hidden in my writings I will find out the reason for it all. It has been a long time coming. Whoever or whatever has been pushing my buttons must be heaving a big sigh of relief. “Finally! She is going to do as she is told.” I haven’t been a willing pupil over the years, but I have persevered even if I do not know why. Well, yes I do. I owe a debt and it must be paid. I gave my word some 21 years ago next week. March 3rd to be exact, two days before my daughter Caprice’s 35th birthday. How very appropriate given that she is the reason for it all in the first place.
Thomas Moore, is a writer I can identify with who writes in words that are plain and simple because they come from his heart not his head. He is not afraid to admit to his dark nights of the soul and I have learned to do the same. I was afraid to let my heart rule, but thanks to all the writers who had the courage to speak their truth for all to hear my fears are seen for what they are - nothing but shadows lurking in the dark. In the words of Edgar Cayce: “the greatest fear is fear itself.”
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I left my appointment with Dickie Motherwell on a mission. Off to the library I went to find out what a Walk-In is – and what did she mean when she said I was a healer? The only reference point I had for the word healer was the television evangelists who talk very loudly and people fall over when touched by one of them. That is not me!
I found the book Dickie had recommended called “Strangers Among Us” by author Ruth Montgomery and headed home to call her sisters to see if they could help me in this bizarre place I found myself in. The first call was to her sister Shera, who lived in Calgary. As it turned out, Shera just happened to be teaching a course on ‘Getting To Know Your Intuitive Self’ beginning in October, one night a week for six weeks. Imagine that! So I registered for that, (keep in mind, I lived two hours one-way from Calgary). Now I’m going to drive two hours there, spend two hours in the course and then get in my car and drive two hours home. Am I losing my mind? Well! A person’s gotta do what they gotta do!
I then called the other sister Shanon, who did channeled readings via automatic handwriting, (whatever that was). She explained to me she was booked until January, but I could write down in a letter whatever questions I had and send it to her and she would do the reading at a later date. Okay I’ll do that. This done, I asked her for some advice on meditation as I was not comfortable trying it without knowing how. She gave me the name of yet another book to read and then she gave me some very wise advice. “Always pray before you begin and always ask for the information to come from the highest level of the Christ Consciousness.” She added; “You have one very high-level guide that is around you; a male with dark hair”. Oh boy! I can just imagine what some of you are thinking right about now and it would pretty much be what was going through my mind at the time as well.
Adding to the above, I then opened the book on walk-ins! This was too much for my brain to handle! Maybe I was on overload, but I just could not grasp the concept, especially in relation to me. Today, now that I have done so much reading on every conceivable aspect of such things from a variety of sources from science to religion to mysticism to saints to gods and to ghosts and goblins, I would have to say I still do not agree with this author’s thoughts. However, this does not mean she is wrong, just not right for me – and I hear another of my dad’s sayings that I heard over and over as a child; “I’m not always right; but I’m never wrong”. It has taken me a long time to understand what he taught me with these words, but I’ve got it now. Thanks daddy! I love you!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
It is written in all the mystical teachings that the way is steep and narrow and few there be that find it and the safest route is an indirect one. Well, I definitely chose the safe route. It has taken me twenty-four years and I’m still trucking. They, (whoever they are), speak of this journey to enlightenment as an ongoing, eternal quest that is never-ending. I am beginning to get the picture.
This morning I woke up feeling very strange, here, but not here. It came to me the reason why is this constant jumping from the present to the past and back again to the present. One minute I am here and the next there and this is hard on the body circuits, never mind the brain. Memories are flooding in all day long as I focus on remembering the sequence of events that precipitated the state of mind I find myself in today. I can hardly write them down fast enough. The other thing that is happening is that as a certain past memory is thought of, instantly there comes into my mind another memory, but from a year much later in the future. From this new discovery I have been able to tabulate a timetable, a formula of sorts, that pinpoints specific learning stages of spiritual growth for the last twenty-four years of my life from beginning to end. Is this not exciting? Without knowing it I entered a new school of learning and just like when I was a child I went from kindergarten to elementary school to junior high and then onto high school. But unlike our earthly schools, in this hall of learning graduation from grade twelve is only the beginning. I was just getting started. I had another twelve years to go.
It’s an interesting phenomenon, this memory business. I find I have to constantly remind myself that when all this started I did not know then what I do now. This means that to remember what I was feeling then I have to empty my mind of everything I think I know today and put myself back in time and be that Elizabeth, who knew nothing. Try it! It makes my head sore.
And do we not believe, do we not know, that thoughts create reactions in the body and reactions in the body create thoughts in the head? I didn’t then, but I do now!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
As I look back and compare the dates and events from the past it is uncanny how they correlate exactly with all the esoteric literature I have been studying. Everything that happened to us happened with purpose to guide us to where we are today on this wonderful, magical journey of self-discovery. For me now, the past, the present and the future seem to all be coming together like a giant picture puzzle that I have been working on all this time. I have all the pieces and now I just have to fit them all together. This is fun!! Boy! Thank goodness I kept such a detailed record of all this ‘cause I sure wouldn’t be able to put it together from memory. I would just have a jumbled mess of information rattling around in my brain. There’s so much I have forgotten…like my upcoming visit to a psychic for the second time.
I walked into my appointment and was met by a very pleasant, very bubbly woman named Dickie Motherwell. She was so……normal! I liked her and felt totally at ease with her. She began the reading speaking about my husband’s new business “it had the potential to make an unbelievable amount of money. In just a few years you will be millionaires.” (She was correct in this assumption because our lawyer had told Roy that he had come up with a license to print money.) My reaction? That’s nice, but I am not involved in his business and I want to hear about Caprice. She asked “is this your second marriage?” Yes. “Let me see your left hand. Oh! You are a healer. My goodness….” and she carried on leaving me wondering what she meant by that remark. What is a healer I wonder? She said I went through a shift in consciousness when I divorced my first husband at the age of 31 and I was going through another one now, to awareness on another level???? “Books will come to you, people will give them to you;" (hah! Well, at least I understand that!) “Your house will become a whirlwind of activity with lots of people coming and going. Crystals. Lots of crystals around you for a calming effect; many people coming to your house; whirlwind energy; Hawaii, Maui. Do you like Hawaii? The next 25 years is the highlight of this incarnation, huge change in your vibration;???? I think you are really sick of your business; I don’t see you in it for much longer. ?????” Then she really threw me… “because you are a walk-in soul - do you know anything about walk-ins?” No, (but I’m going to I thought to myself). Regarding Caprice she described a very good marriage and that she was going to live a long life. (When Caprice heard this later she was very happy to find out she wasn’t different from her sister after all).
There was more information directly related to family which was interesting and quite relevant to the present, but then she went on to describe what I was feeling inside about my present situation and it did not fit at all. It does however, fit where I am today 23 years later! She went on to describe something I would be doing in partnership with another woman. She said “you are very good friends”, and she described her physical appearance and her personality in detail. I recognize this person as someone I know today, but did not know then. Go figure! Seems as though these readings can go on forever.
Before I left Dickie made the comment that she would like to know what her sister Shanon would have to say about me, as she too was a psychic who did automatic writing. She was booked until January but I could call her. She also had another sister, Shera in Calgary, also a practicing psychic, who taught classes and I took her number as well.
Some of the events predicted in this reading did not come to fruition, like becoming millionaires and Caprice getting married. This being said, much of what followed in the days and months and years to follow did come true. I have come to understand that we heard what we needed to hear at the time in order to keep us motivated in the right direction and give us hope for the future.
In the movie Matrix the lead character Neo is thought to be the ONE. He is taken to see the all-knowing Oracle to confirm this fact, but sadly she says he is not the ONE. Of course by the end of the movie we all know this was not the truth. Now why would she tell him no when she knew all along he was? Ah! Wisdom in a mystery. I know the answer, do you?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Her strength began to come back over the summer and I was able to return to work part-time. I couldn’t leave her alone so I hired a young woman who was studying art in college to stay with her when I went to work. I thought it would be a good idea for her to teach Caprice to paint while she recovered so I bought paper, paint and brushes to this end. No dice! Caprice had no interest whatsoever so that was that!
By now I had read every book in the box and then I hit the library for more. If something caught my attention in any particular book I wrote it down in my journal. Almost all of the entries from this time are quote after quote after quote. As I reread these quotes now, written back in 1987, I am finding it fascinating how they are so connected to what I have now come to understand and accept about this business of life.
However, as happy as we were that Caprice was regaining strength and putting some weight on her frail little body, the pain wasn’t altogether gone. It was much better, but when she transferred from her wheelchair or moved her legs in any way she felt a piercing jab through her body, but it was nothing like before so she didn’t complain. By now it was September and school was starting so we were getting back into our old routines. Felt good! Then, one morning the phone rang at home and it was Roy on his way to work. He said, “there’s a psychic on the radio taking appointments for readings. Call her and make an appointment so I can see whether this new business is going anywhere.” I was surprised that he wanted to go to a psychic, but I hung up the phone, called the psychic and booked two appointments for the next day, one for him and one for me. And the rest, as they say, is history. I was about to venture into the realm of all things possible where it all happened so spontaneously and so quickly I had no time to think, I just went along for the ride.
“The wind bloweth where it listeth and thou hearest the sound therof, but canst not tell whence it comes and whither it goeth.” John 3:1-8
Thursday, March 4, 2010
“Miracles are natural. When they do not occur something has gone wrong.”
(A Course In Miracles)
For the past week, I have been searching through my stack of journals for an entry I wrote but don’t remember when. I thought it would fit where I am now in our story. So here I am reading pages and pages of entries from the last twelve years of writing and at the moment I feel stunned at the words on the pages. If I did not have the proof in my own handwriting I would not believe I wrote the words staring up at me. I still haven’t found the one I was looking for, but then again, maybe the reason I was prompted to look for it was to show me that I really have stumbled onto something magical. I have received feedback from several people all saying the same thing; “we can hardly wait until the next entry.” Another one said; “I feel I am embarking on an exciting and unforgettable journey.” Now that I have made this new discovery hidden in my own journals Caprice and I are also wondering what’s coming next as well!
Back to the box of books I received after my visit to the psychic. As soon as I arrived home with them I began to read. It was a large box filled to the brim with books. I just started at the top and began to read. There were books on meditation, channeling, crystals, guides and angels, auras, chakras, you name it, it was there, none of which I knew anything about and up until then, did not want to, but I read them anyway. I had to start somewhere. After all, I was looking for a miracle and there was none to be had from this world.
In May, Caprice and I headed back once again to her doctor in Calgary as she was still suffering in the same way. Guess what he said after he took yet another x-ray? “I think I’ve found the problem.” Imagine that! Talk about a miracle! After eight months and many previous x-rays he suddenly sees what he did not see before? The surgery he performed on Caprice involved her being opened up from the base of the spine to the nape of the neck. He then used a hook to pull her crooked spine into a straight position and to hold it there two stainless steel rods were placed one along each side and then a wire was coiled around them to hold them in place. One of the rods went just to the waist, but because her spine was so badly curved he felt it necessary to put a longer rod on the side of the curvature for extra support. This rod went all the way to the base and also had a curved hook on the end extending into her buttocks. Now he had realized that this rod was too long for her body and this was causing all the pain. It was going to require another surgery so he could cut some of it off. This sent Caprice into absolute panic at the thought of having to go back into the hospital, but it needed to be done. (We now know that this rod should not have been used on Caprice at all as she still had the use of her legs. It was only used in patients who had no feeling in the lower body). The surgery was scheduled for the next month.