Monday, September 27, 2010

I’ll See You In My Dreams

When I began this ‘trip of a lifetime’ I lived a normal life (and I use the term loosely). I didn’t know there was another ‘me’ inside this body that was about to make itself known. I was pretty set in my ways. I had my beliefs and had no intention of changing. It just happened with no warning as I sat and waited for Caprice to come out of surgery. My friend Elisha took me to her friend’s house to get me out of the hospital. While there, her friend put on some soothing music (she thought) for me to listen to. It was a Zamfir tape that I loved, but the moment I heard the familiar melody all my resolve to be strong for Caprice went out the window. In a flash I broke down sobbing uncontrollably. Elisha asked me if I wanted to go back to the hospital, but I couldn’t speak, all I could do was nod yes. It’s amazing what music can do to a body! I know there was a message from my soul in the haunting melody of this song and this is the reason why it touched my heart, first with joy and then with the sadness that is so necessary to move the stubborn personality out of place. For years I could not listen to this tape without tears flowing, but today I am happy to say I can once again feel happy when I hear it because I know my soul and I are singing the same song. Everyone has a special signal that will come when a person is ready. Listen for it!

I can only stay focused on writing for so long and then I need to come back ‘down’ to earth for a while and get busy doing something physical. This is the reason for the gaps in time between posts. If I do not do this it would be so easy for me to get lost in my reverie and forget about the fact that I am a physical human being living in a material world that demands I pay attention to it every once in a while or all manner of things can go ‘wrong’.

Something happened last week that brought this ‘lesson’ home big time. I was visiting a friend and I was admiring her garden. She pointed to a plant and told me it was sage used for smudging (practiced by First Nations people to clear away negative energy) and she gave me some to take home. When I got home, Caprice and I remembered back to a time when our friend Bruce, who walked, talked and breathed spiritualism, was visiting us. He decided to light up some sage and ‘smudge’ our house and yard and he practically asphyxiated us the smoke was so thick! As this memory came to our minds I wondered out loud when he would drop in again unannounced, as was his way. Hours later we received the sad news that Bruce had passed away by his own hands. Our hearts sank and we felt so sad at hearing this news because we knew we would not be seeing him again. I met Bruce when he and my son David were in high school together. He was a young man who struggled all his life caught between the physical world and the spiritual. I remember him telling me he was abducted by aliens when he was five years old! Bruce had a difficult time keeping his feet on the ground. He was an Aquarian after all. He was also in a double jeopardy situation. In addition to a childhood experience of the third kind, he also suffered from bipolar disease, which made things that much more difficult for him to function in a logical, rational way. He tried so hard to stay in touch with this world, but he was never really ‘here’ with or without his meds. When he was on them life had no meaning, he felt flat lined; when he went off them he would fly for awhile and he came alive, excited, self-confident, and his creative juices began to flow. He had one passion - to get a screenplay he had written produced into a movie and to this end, over and over again, he would get so close, but without his meds he couldn’t maintain the mental processes necessary and he would lose control and wind up in the hospital defeated again. What a roller coaster ride he had. He visited us last January, just popped in unannounced as he so often did, and it was clear to us from his behavior that the manic state of mind was in full swing. Sure enough, he called me at the end of June deeply troubled and in a terrible state, the worst I have ever witnessed in all the years I have known him. He needed to go into the hospital as he has had to do so often, but he was so agitated that when I suggested this it wasn’t what he wanted to hear from me. He chose another way, but while he was here he taught me much about the dangers of flying too high in the spiritual realm and by doing so forgetting to pay attention to the practical business of living in the physical.

Goodbye for now Bruce. You are ‘home’ now. We will miss your presence here in our lives, but I have no doubt I’ll see you in my dreams.

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