To Set the Stage

Long, long, ago in a time far, far away…………..has it really been that long? I ask. It has only been twenty four years but it feels like a lifetime since I unwittingly began a process of turning my life inside out, or maybe I should say, outside in.

“when the inside is like the outside and the outside is like the inside” Gospel of Thomas

Somewhere in the stack of journals sitting in front of me is the date this quote first caught my attention and I wrote it down. I know if I look it up there will be a correlation between whatever was happening in my life then to today. My daily writings have been my saving grace as I struggled to grasp the secrets of the universe. No easy task for a mere human such as myself. I make no mistake in thinking I am something other than what I am – a human being. My insides have been turned inside out and outside in for all these many years and I have a record of the reasons for it all. The ups, the downs, the lows, the highs, the people, the places and the things.

“when the first becomes the last and the last becomes the first” Gospel of St. Thomas

This gem of wisdom has been whirling around in my brain for what seems like forever. There are a lot of these pearls of wisdom in here and I am feeling the need to put them in some kind of order. So! Here I am, sitting in front of my laptop facing what seems like a daunting task to me. Why bother? Because strangely, I have discovered that today I am right back to where it all began. There has to be a reason why I have dedicated twenty-four years to reading, studying, meditating and putting into practice what I read, studied and meditated upon only to find that what I was looking for was with me from day one. I just didn’t know it. Imagine that! I should feel disappointed; I should feel – what’s the word I’m looking for? Deceived maybe? But I do see a reason behind it all and so today the words that I used to use to describe certain feelings do not apply anymore.

In this odd place I now find myself in there are no words in the human language to describe what I am feeling, except maybe, the word sadness. Sadness because I have discovered there is so much more to us humans than I could ever have imagined. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I cannot find the words that would make any sense and what’s even more – what’s the word? - frustrating - is I also know why I cannot find the words. Now! Figure this out and you will know what I am presently feeling.

I am now going to attempt to unravel the myriad pieces of information circling around in my head into some kind of logical, rational understanding and while I am at it, you might as well join me. Maybe by the time it is done we will all know something we did not know before. If not, no matter, I have a feeling it will not be dull.