Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Long Days Journey Into Night

THE AWAKENING -“A time comes in your life when you finally get it…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.” (author not known)

What a relief to finally be sitting at my computer again! I was beginning to wonder if I would ever write again. What hit us since writing my last post is a mystery that will have to wait until later, much later to relate. I am presently writing about the beginning of our story and this is the end. I have a lot of ground to cover until any of it would make sense to anyone but Caprice and I.

“The years teach much that the days never knew.” (movie, Shadows Under The Sun)

Time heals all wounds they say. Well! This wound cut deep; so deep we didn’t know it was there. Life has a way of throwing us curves we don’t see coming. Since writing my last post on Sept. 27th my computer has sat closed on my desk. I kept looking at it wishing something would prompt me to get writing but the days went by and turned into weeks and then into months. I had been looking forward to starting on the next one, which was to be dated December 1988 and, as was my custom, had read my journal entries for that time and Bang! - Everything came to a screaming halt. Something had triggered a bomb that went off in my brain and shut me down and because Caprice and I are writing and reliving this together, whatever it was hit her too. Why?

It turns out to be connected to something I was about to write that released a whole mess of garbage long buried. Subconsciously I did not want to remember my pain and so I had buried it deep within the cells of my body where it couldn’t hurt me. I buried it so well I didn’t even know it was there, and there it sat until I began to bring it to the surface by writing this blog. Secrets have a way of being found out, even ones you do not know are there. Given time (which I now have) and the opportunity (gained from all the knowledge I now have) the mind responds triggering a body reaction which in turn triggers a mind reaction and round and round it goes creating a steadily increasing chaos in the body and the mind until suddenly, in a moment, it all comes together into total coherence, order and tranquility……… and then………there is no explaining the elation this brings.

I can see clearly now
The rain is gone
I can see all the obstacles in my way

Seems to me I’ve heard this song before?

In December of 1988 I had become so focused on seeking and learning that I wasn’t paying attention to what was in front of my face. Drugs create chemical changes in the brain and dull the intellect. So does soul work! So many strange, new things were happening so fast and furious I was carried away. It was all very exciting and all I could think of was healing Caprice and to this end hope reigned supreme. I was determined to follow my nose and let the chips fall where they may. I took no interest in dealing with business matters and finances and besides, Roy was going to make us millions. Was it a mistake? All depends on how I see it. If I could, would I change anything knowing what I know now? Why gamble with success? It doesn’t really matter because it’s all in the past now and besides, even if I had been told the truth I wouldn’t have believed it anyway.

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.” (Albert Einstein) Amen to this. Thanks Al!

“From the point of greatest imbalance, comes the point of greatest stability. Perfectly balanced forces result in a net movement of zero – and there can be no growth without movement. Movement should result in the direction of the weakness, where it is most needed. Perfect balance results in perfect stagnation.” (21 Lessons Of Merlin-July1990)

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