Deep Waters

“The more you are emptied of your physical abilities the more you are filled with the strength of the soul.” Thomas Moore, ‘Dark Night Of The Soul’


I have been trying to figure out what particular event it was that happened in my life that hit me like a lightening bolt and turned my life upside down. Today, as I read back in my journals it almost feels like I am reading someone else’s story, not mine. How could I have changed so much, almost overnight it seems? A night that has lasted twenty-four years! It’s as though I lost myself for a period of time. Well! Thankfully I am back to my old self, but with a new twist. I may look a little different, I am twenty-four years older after all, but I’m still living and moving, walking and talking and trying to deal with the same old ‘tick-tock’ everybody else does, so what did I do it all for?



“You cannot remember until you are willing to forget.” - The Starseed Transmissions, Ken Carey


This is what I want to do; wipe the slate of forgotten memories clean and begin again, knowing there is no need to hold anything in. No pretenses; this is who I am; let it all hang out; what you see is what you get. The strange thing is that before Caprice’s surgery I had this type of personality, I didn’t think about who I was or how others saw me. It was all done subconsciously.


My sojourn into the place where humans fear to tread was done the same way. Subconsciously. It just happened - sort of like my body operates. I mean, as it was then, (and still is now), I did not have to think about keeping the heart beating and the blood circulating and all the other miraculous things this body of mine does to keep me alive - did I? It’s all done automatically without any effort on my part. So? My question was; ‘who is in charge of this body of mine and the strange activity going on inside it and how could I get in touch with the one who is?’


Asking myself this question propelled me onto the ‘thunderbolt path of karma’, (as author Linda Goodman calls it). This is the place where a person has the opportunity to clear up the debris left from ten lives, not just the present one. Ah yes! I am talking about past lives, a topic I was not particularly interested in at the time. I was having enough trouble dealing with this one and besides, what was the use of knowing my past lives anyway? I mean there was no way I could prove they existed so what difference did it make? However, the thought did cross my mind that it did kind of explain why Caprice was in a wheelchair and neither Roy or I or any of my other children were. Nor for that matter was anyone else I knew. So why did she have to suffer? Why not me? It all just seemed so unfair and made no sense. There had to be an answer. I just could not accept it was all a matter of chance - tough luck kid – that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Oh no! I had to jump into deep, deep waters to figure this one out. It’s taken me a lot longer than I thought, but I did it - figure it out that is.